My Life Is Full of Uncertainty Now..

Opening Statement:
I am 7 months pregnant at the time I wrote this blog. So, if you are reading this blog, read it with open mind and with possibility that the writer probably suffering from pre-natal depression or the writer is just fed-up with what's going on in her life at this time.
The ranting of my heart:-

My Child
Suddenly, my life is full of uncertainty. So many questions are lingering in my mind. I felt so much disappointment to the extend that I think I am not being appreciated for who I am.

Like I have mentioned earlier, I am 7 months pregnant now. And suddenly I do not know why I am pregnant. At this stage of my life I should be looking forward to my retirement plan. Instead, I annoyed my husband by being pregnant again and he is fretting that his retirement plan had to be deferred.
Why did I want another child so much. Is it really because Iman, Luncas & Adelia had left me? Is it really because I am not able to find closure for my grief of the passing of my 3 babies?
But then, I have 3 other surviving children. That should be enough, isn't it?
Of my 3 surviving children, 1 have been driving me up the wall. He behaves like as if he had survived all these 16 years on his own and that we as a parents does nothing but condemn him only. He behaves as if whatever he had achieved was his sole effort. I hope someday God will teach him a very good lesson for hurting my feelings.

Though it is disappointing to have raised such a child, I am glad the other 2 aren't like that.
Since kids can turn out to be a monster, why was I so keen to go through this heart-breaking cycle again? I seriously don't know anymore.

I don't even know if this child I'm carrying would be any better or worst than my first born. The thought of it really frightens me! But, I cannot back out anymore. It's too late now! If I am to run far away, what will happen to this child? His life would be really pathetic. His own father wasn't really keen on him in the first place. So, I guess I'll just stay put and take full responsibility of my own selfish decision...

My Study
At present, I am pursuing my 2nd diploma majoring in Para-Legal Studies. I'm on my 2nd year.
Attending class is a real struggle for me. But, I can't quit. My husband don't allow me to. Noone will ever understand how difficult and painful its been for me all these nights in class. And now, I even have problem walking. Still, I had to endure it and walk slowly from one point to another. At time the pain is so bad that I feel as if my baby would drop out any moment.

I really don't know why I am taking up this course. Working in a law firm had always been the last thing in my mind. I was told to pursue a diploma from local polytechnic so that I can pursue a degree later on. But, who wants a degree? What am I gonna do with that degree? Find a better paying job? Huh? work again? so when am I able to retire and rest? Who am I pleasing with that those big pay? I can't even buy what I want without seeking permission, what so great about earning big pay?

So, why am I torturing myself in school after a tiring day at work? Who are all these achievements for? Myself? Really????

My Dearest Domestic Helper
The reason why any household hires them is to ease the burden of household chores. They are great as long as they are still interested to work. But they can be a real pain as years gone by and their intention to work had shiftted.

My current maid have been with us for 5 years now. On her 4th day with us, we discovered that she had severe asthma. Her conditions was really bad and it freak us out! What if she dies of asthma in our house? Will I be accused for causing her death? She never declare her asthma condition when she applied for a job here (which maid would??!!).

After so much consideration and out of sympathy, we kept her. Cos we knew that these workers normally took up huge loan in their home-country in order to work abroad. And so send her back home with a huge loan on her shoulder we deemed inhumane.

During her first year, her cooking was terrible. She would fry a frozen fish and expect our kids to eat it. Thereafter, I teach her how to cook and now she can be proud of her cooking skills. We treated her just like another member of the family. We would go movies & shoppings together and although her work contract says that she had been compensated for her off day, we gave her off-day to go out with her friends every Sunday.

I guess when one is here for too long, they takes things for granted or try to explored other opportunity to be funny. Few months back, my husband said she added him in her facebook. We didn't even know she has a facebook account and when was the time she access the internet? The kids and I were surprised why only 'sir' get added? All off us were connected with each other in FB and it would be too lame to say that she couldn't find us in FB, right? So, we teases her and she burst into tears! WTH!!

She said that the fb account wasn't created by herself. It was her boyfriend in Indonesia who created that fb account. But still, how come her boyfriend knows 'Sir'?? Her work permit bears my name instead of my husband, isn't it? Fishy?? Indeed! But I have no time for jealousy..

Recently she went for her deserving homeleave. Prior to leaving, we have agreed that if she were to come back to Singapore, she will renew her working contract for another term (2yrs). She said that she will inform her mom that she will have to work for another 3 yrs consistent with the expiry of her passport. She got engaged while she was back home.. and upon her return, she decided to change her terms. She will only work for another 1 year so that she will have enough money to get married!

WTH!!! Since when worker draft working terms?? And who gave her the rights to do so???!!!
Eversince, I hate the every sight of her! I had told my husband that I want the maid to be changed! But, he feels that I'm sufferring from hormone imbalance and ask me to bear with the current maid until I have given birth and my hormones is back to normal... argghh!! When I persistently insisted, he said 'No money!'.. why is it he always has no money when I wanted something but always have money to keep changing his car and go on vacations??!!! This is a real shit hole!!

Closing Statement:
This is how my life is evolving now...
I am no longer in the mood to deliver this baby..
I am no longer interested to continue my study..
I am no longer motivated to work...
But, I have got no other choice for now...